2004-12-16 - Fall Orgo Night
Butler Reading Room
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite a two day reading week, it's the most overworked, over studied and overstressed band in the world, the Columbia University Marching No, Merry Fucking Christmas to YOU, President Bollinger.
[Fanfare]
featuring:
J. Christopher Reeve – Wasn’t really Superman
J. Ronald Reagan—Wasn’t really in World War II
and
J. Rick James—Wasn’t really the kind you take home to mama
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semi-centennial, solipsistic, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not
the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring AmCafe’s prices going up, its popularity going down and no where for us to get drunk during reading week, the band now presents its 40th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[Who Owns New York
Hey, where are all the liberals in the room?!?!(people will probably raise hands/voices/the roof) Boy, I bet you fuckers feel pretty stupid. Your hero, John “Faggy Fag French Massachusetts Fag” Kerry lost the presidency to a man who routinely wears a cowboy hat to State Dinners. But fear not, for we’re sure to soon see Mr. Teresa Heinz-Kerry hawking impotence pills and Big and Tall clothing shops (a la Kerry) “Who among us does not enjoy a rock-hard erection and trousers designed to hold such a massive phallus?” But while many were preparing for election drama in Florida, no one could have thought it was going to happen in the Ukraine instead. A new group has formed there called “Swift Farmland Plowers for Truth,” and has alleged that they know Viktor Yushenko is lying about being poisoned and horribly disfigured, that they were there when it happened, and that Viktor Yushenko hates the Ukraine and all that it stands for. When asked about Russia’s questionable involvement in the poisoning, President Vladimir Putin responded “Is Agent Moose and Squirrel. Is always Agent Moose and Squirrel.” In honor of covert operations, the band now plays “Secret Ukrainian Agent Man.”
[Secret Agent Man]
But interpretive elections aside, it’s really a pretty good time to alive in the good old US of A. Taxes are on the way down, Jesus is on the way up, and everything’s else is just comin’ up roses. Unless you’re gay. Yes, despite holding key strategic locations in the hills of Los Angeles and the New Jersey governor’s mansion, it looks like the lightweights lost another round of the culture wars. Hey, but cheer up, cutie pies, and try to look on the bright side of the rainbow. Sure the government wants to take away your right to marriage, your way of life, yes, even your very dignity, but there’s one thing they can’t take: your sodomy. They tried that already, remember? They tried that already, but Chief Justice Renquist shot them down saying in his opinion, “Let the boys have their good fun. They’re just going to get fucked in the ass come the apocalypse.” But also getting fucked in the ass were the heterosexual Americans, soon to be drafted into battle with Iran. {The gay people in the audience thought this was hilarious} In honor of getting screwed from both ends, the band now forms a willing volunteer and plays “Any Way You Want It”
[Any Way You Want It]
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of sucking cock, let’s not forget our football team. With only one win on the whole season, the team descended to the depths of Ray Tellier’s 2002 Vision of Hell Come to Earth. We know that new athletics director Dianne Murphy talked about changing the culture of losing, but we hadn’t realized that she would change it a culture of losing a lot more. Perhaps the football team can take a page from the basketball team’s playbook, and “get stuck in traffic” on the way to schools with good teams. Or perhaps they can work off the success of “Jews for Jones.” “Shiites for Shoop” would let out a mighty war cry upon each first down, declare Holy War on the opposing offensive line, and kneel down to pray towards Mecca at the end of every quarter. But getting back to these Orthodox basketball fans, the band has to wonder what the fuck they were thinking forming a fan club for a team that plays half its games on Friday nights. In honor of breaking Shabbat to see the Lions, the band now forms a Jew for Jones and plays “Walk This Way Even Though My Religion Forbids It.”
[Walk This Way]
Recently, it seems that Colin Powel has finally stopped bending over for the Hard Right and has been replaced by someone a little bit badder, and a little bit blacker. Many feel that Condi just doesn’t have what it takes to maintain Bush’s testosterone-influenced foreign policy, but she has vowed to continue slapping the world in the face with her gigantic metaphorical cock, promising to piss on global warming treaties, wipe her ass with the Geneva conventions, and strap on a dildo and sodomize those Iraqi insurgents herself. And while President Bush has made some big changes, the band is thanking our lucky stars Donald Rumsfeld is still our first line of defense. Rumsfeld, who has sloppily spilled his seed of democracy all over the Holy Land, has stayed in the Administration despite a few blunders, such as forgetting buy armor for our tanks. “It was just going to get blown up anyway, so we didn’t really see the point in using so damn much of it,” he recently said to troops who by that point were really regretting buying into those “Army of One” commercials. But unarmored soldiers aside, the band has the most sympathy for Bernard Kerik, whose Homeland Security nomination was taken away because he harbored an illegal immigrant as his nanny. Kerik was promptly offered a new job as head of the Department of Ironic Job Losses. But we have to wonder if there wasn’t a way around this little snafu. Politicians have found creative means in the past--Trent Lott was able to define his maid as a legal house slave by not paying her, and President Bush solved the problem of his South-of-the-Border nanny by nominating him as Attorney General. In honor of not finding good help these days, the band now plays “Carry On My Illegal Alien Day Laborer.”
[Carry On My Wayward Son]
We in the band were shocked to the core to hear allegations of anti-Semitism in the MELAC department. We thought the department was filled with the friendly kind of Arabs, like the ones who let us station our troops in their country and then sell us overpriced oil, or Aladdin. But if you believe Columbia Unbecoming, these are some wacky jihadists we have in Kent Hall. And what’s not to believe, really? Second-hand accounts of a documentary which interviews students with second-hand accounts of bias and prejudice? Sounds good to the New York Sun! Thankfully, President Bollinger has taken some real action, and appointed a committee to look into this so-called “Jewish Question.” Its first recommendation was that in the interest of fairness to the MELAC department, students should be shown The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, so as to get its side of the debate. But no matter how many angst-ridden emails you might get from Alan Brinkley, don’t think Columbia isn’t enjoying the scandal, and the free publicity that comes with it. Why, we haven’t been on the front page of the Daily News since the time George Rupp got drunk and whipped it out at the Hamilton Dinner. In honor of a “Public E-Rupp-tion,” the band now forms fair and balanced news coverage and plays “I’m a Believer of What I Read in Tabloids.”
[I'm A Believer]
And speaking of anti-Semitism, the band would like to congratulate the new Office of Multicultural Affairs for doing a bang up job in its first year of existence. And not to brag, but perhaps some thanks are in order, seeing how our offensive jokes got the whole thing going in the first place. Now, some may say that there is just as much racism on campus this year as there was last year. Why, there were even swastikas drawn in this very building! True enough, but now thanks to the Multicultural Affairs office, the person who drew them had schedule an appointment, meet with a multicultural advisor, and then file a Questionable Speech and Expression Form 73-A in triplicate before his knife even touched the men’s room wall. And Nazi iconography is always better than public masturbation, right? The band has learned that to tackle the other Butler problem, Columbia plans to set up an Office of Public Masturbation and Genital Affairs. This office will use the old Columbia favorite—discussion panels—to help facilitate understanding of this issue and create dialogue on both sides of the controversy. Some suggested topics have been “The Social Lubricant: Public Masturbation as a Conversation Starter,” “Boning Up: Cramming for Exams With Your Pants Down,” and “HardCore Curriculum: Arousing Interest in the Western Canon.” In honor of vigorous debate, the band now forms a mental image of the Butler Stacks and plays “Fantasy.”
[Fantasy]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
When you expose aluminum to absolute zero, it becomes a superconductor, but as you've seen tonight, when you expose our drum major to Absolute Vodka, he becomes a super conductor.
A heterogeneous reaction involves multiple organic compounds under constant pressure. An erogenous reaction involves multiple orgasms under the constant pressure of when I come pounding into you.
A Brinell Number is the hardness of a ball of metal as expressed after hydraulically pressing it under a standard load. A Barnard number is what you call when you've got that standard hardness by your balls and feel the need to hydraulically express your load.
And finally, Under Baldwin's rules, the pathways of the imbedded biradicals of six to nine membered rings can be predicted with certainty. Under Barnard's roofs, it's certainly predictable that in bed, you don't need a ring to get your member into a threesome with some radical bi 69ers.
Thanks a lot folks! Don’t break any bookcases on the way out!
[March out to Raw]